Pranks to play on telemarketers, Part 3

Pranks to play on telemarketers: Page 1, Page 2, Page 3.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment

DON'T PISS 'EM OFF - Whatever you do, don't try to be a smartass. The "Why don't you get a real job?" or "Do I call you at home and bug you?" lines don't phase these people one bit. You are not Seinfeld. You are just asking to have your phone number photo copied and distributed around the office.

Drum on every available surface while they're trying to tell you something.

Every time they say something to you ask, 'Is that a threat?'

Finish each sentence with "Monkey see, Monkey do"

Have a fit of giggles while answering the phone. The telemarketer will ask to speak to a parent. So now, you laugh manically and hang up.

If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

If the telemarketer who you've already sung 99 bottles of beer persists, progress to singing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!

Inform them of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. If they object, back it up with far-flung proof like Wingdings symbols.

Insist stupid things like 1+1 = 3 are true. If they try to correct you, relegate a sob story and try insisting again. If they still correct you, scream that they hate you.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Insist the telemarketer is only your imaginary friend.

Insist they are some fancy restaurant and attempt to make a reservation.

Insist you are family e.g. Them: Hello, I'm John Doe of XYZ company and- You: - *squealing like a girl* Ohmygosh! I'm Jane Doe and I work at ZYX company. We're second cousins once removed! Nice to hear from you again."

Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.

Learn Morse code, and attempt to converse with them with your responses consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." and the like. If they question you, then repeat what you just said, in that LOUD SLOW tone reserved for foreigners, little children and fools.

Make snoring sounds whenever they try to talk to you.

MIND YOUR BUSINESS - When trying to get a telemarketer off the line, the phrase "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" just doesn't cut it. A telemarketer has a number in front of them and if you tell them it's the wrong number, they'll either try you again later or they'll just keep talking. If you're going to fake a wrong number, tell them they've called a business. Then make up some ridiculous name like The Helen Keller Moving Service. Telemarketers don't mess with businesses.

Mumble an annoying phrase over and over, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

Pretend you are R2-D2.

Pretend you're drunk.

Repeat everything they say as a question.

Reply to everything with a quote from Shakespeare.

Say "I know" whenever they say something.

Scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason.

See how many times you can put them on hold. First make sure you get the name of the person you are talking to, because sooner or later they will hang up. Then if they call you again, you can express your righteous indignation at being hung up on, and let them know you were going to buy/contribute, but given the rudeness of ... you have decided not to. They key to this one is make the time they have to hold fairly short. After 30 seconds or so tell them you have to turn down the stove and put them on hold for 45 secs. On returning, ask them to start their pitch again. Every time you return have them restart their pitch. Some good excuses for putting them on hold for a short while: the kids are fighting, the pet needs to go in/out, the baby is into ?, someone is at the door, you have a call on another line, ...

SEX, DRUGS, OR ROCK & ROLL - Once again, telemarketers are like anyone else. When they find out you're not in a good position to talk, they'll usually excuse themselves. Any line like "Here comes the money shot" or "The ceiling is melting" or "I can't hear you over the PA system." always works well.

Sing "The batman theme" over and over.

Start singing '99 bottles' - continue until they hang up.

talklikethis

Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

Accuse them of "a glue sniffing addiction" with speaker phone on.

Ask them what's going on. Strike up a conversation. Not many people go for the straightforward approach but, remember, telemarketers are like anybody else. They just want to make free long distance phone calls from work, steal office supplies, and go home. The only problem is that sometimes they receive a commission. These telemarketers won't go for the bullshit method. In this case, I suggest you up the ante and tell them about your domineering mother, how she nearly ruined your life, and how she deserved every whack in the face from that shovel…

Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

Ask them for dates.

Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Pranks to play on telemarketers: Page 1, Page 2, Page 3.

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