Pranks to play on telemarketers, Part 1

I found these on various forums and can't remember where I got them all from. There are a lot of 'em, so I'm gonna split these ideas across multiple pages.
Pranks to play on telemarketers: Page 1, Page 2, Page 3.

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Try to convert them to a religion that you just made up and see how long they listen to you. Maybe try to get them to join a cult too... You could try to turn them into a Jedi.

When they call, act like you're interested for 5 minutes and then scream at the top of your lungs
then play a tape recording of really loud automatic gunfire and drop the phone on the floor.

After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

After they have gone through their entire sales pitch, tell them how interested you are. But first, you want to talk to them about ... Then launch into a pitch for them to contribute to some charity that sounds quasi-legit but is really just for your personal benefit. If they do not contribute, then hang up in righteous indignation that they are such uncaring human beings. If they will, give then a address to send the contribution to, thank them, and hang up before they have a chance to change the subject back to what they called you about.

Any time they try to talk to you, clear your throat as if *you* want to say something to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you." Screech it down the phone if necessary.

Any time they mention anything even remotely related to staplers, scream hysterically and ask them to protect you from THE EVIL STAPLERS OF DOOM!

Ask them really off-the-wall questions. If they answer, audibly scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Ask them to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")

Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

Ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"

Attempt to order a pizza. If they play along, then use various tactics like asking them in an annoyed voice to put the crust on top this time or tell them to hold the band-aid.

Bark like a dog whenever they use the word "the."

 Telemarketers stick to a script and when you take control of the situation, they're not always ready to handle it. One way to do this is by acting depressed and when they're getting into the spiel, ask them "Have you ever been in love? No, you wouldn't know what love is." Or bring up philosophy and why it's all bullshit.

 In my telemarketer past, I called many a household only to hear the phrase "I'm sorry, they passed away". Again, this doesn't do it. I just kept trying to sell as would any other telemarketer. Instead, start crying. Apologize and utter words about "the accident". If the telemarketer persists with the spiel, scream "HE'S DEAD YOU IDIOT!!!"

Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in their brain, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

Demand that they address you as "Conquistador." If they slip up, simply ignore them until they ask if you're there, at which point you say, "I am here but I will not reply to anything other than Conquistador". After that, just make little hummy sounds whenever they slip up so they know you're there, despite not replying.

This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

THROW UP - For this one, you have to be near a sink. Prepare a pot with water as they talking. Start coughing intermittently and eventually, start hacking and pour the water out in intervals. Assure them you're interested, and keep going.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.

WASTE THEIR TIME - If a telemarketer is on commission they have no time to waste. When they ask to speak to a specific person, say "hold on a sec… hey… hey… dude… where's… …Nick? …What? …NICK!!! …NIIIIIIICK!!!!! …Where? …Really?" then go into a conversation with the other person. Eventually they'll hang up.

When they tell you how they are, confirm it then tell them you're holding their kid hostage.

Whenever they finish a sentence say, "And then what happened?"

Whenever they say something, pretend they've just told you the funniest joke in history.

Whenever they say something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in the conversation, and see if they play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Explain the 'little green men' to them in detail. When they don't believe you, claim they are a little green man in disguise.

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy"

Play Dumb. Answer the phone as you would regularly. The telemarketer will launch into some kind of spiel, concluding with a question about something that is none of his business. Then you say, "I'm sorry, for whom are you calling?" Then the telemarketer will say, "Um, the man of the house/the lady of the house." Then you say, "There's nobody here by that name," and hang up. Or scream "Rape! Rape!" and then hang up.

If you recognize they are telemarketers before you have spoken, pretend you are an answering machine with a message along these lines. ``Thank you for calling CMTCC, Citizens for Making Telemarketing a Capital Crime. We now have the support of about 25% of the legislature. Soon we will be able to execute those worthless, money grubbing dregs, making the earth a better place to live. Please send your tax deductible contribution to...''

Confusing Telemarketers: Next time a telemarketer calls, interrupt their script with your own! Tell them that as a caller to your household they have been selected to receive a vacation package, and try to get them to sign up for it. Or try to get them to join the fast-growing Amway family. Or insist that the telmarketer is a friend of yours that is just pretending to be a telmarketer. Or start telling them the story of your life. Or tell them that you are a receptionist at a dentist's office... Recently I've been having more trouble getting rid of telemarketers just by interrupting them, so I've been telling them that I am am "not allowed" to accept telemarketing calls. If they pressure me to stay on the phone I try to sound really nervous and tell them that I'm going to be in a lot of trouble and that I've "already said too much"... One day I want to get my husband in on this so when they call he can start screaming at me for talking on the phone and we can act out a knock-down, drag-out fight for the telmarketer's benefit. At the very least it would make the poor telemarketer's life more interesting (as irritating as telmarketers are, I try to remember that most of the actual callers are just people that are trying to make a little bit of money in a crappy, no-fun job).

Pranks to play on telemarketers: Page 1, Page 2, Page 3.

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